Just a collection of my unremarkable indiscretions, because it feels good to keep it real and release them.
I was arrested for shoplifting at the local Value City. I put a tank top under my shirt and walked out the door. I was stopped by an undercover employee in the parking lot and taken into a little room where I was asked for my ID. I lied and said I didn’t have it on me, because surely my identity would never been found out if I didn’t fork over my brand new drivers license. I was however, discovered….a cop that went to my family’s church was the arresting officer. I was MORTIFIED. I was 16 and clearly my life was over. I was a good enough girl, and even taught Sunday School now I’d have to go into hiding and maybe even finish my junior year at the detention center. Except no one really cared, because people make mistakes and I was basically a good kid. My Mom recently told me that she doesn’t even remember this happening, which I find hilarious.
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When I was in college, I quit going to a class I hated. Okay, I didn’t really go to any classes and barely escaped, er, um, graduated. I lied to a teacher and told them I had a rare form of cancer. I did not have cancer, but I was, however, being treated at the local dermatologist for acne, which was basically the same. In true genius form, I asked the doctors office to write a vague letter as to why I wasn’t able to go to class. The Physician’s Assistant had a hard time understanding exactly why being on Accutane would prevent me from going to school but they eventually obliged. Turning the letter in to my professor led to a lot more questions than I anticipated…I mean, why couldn’t my professor just accept my illness and let me be, I had cancer (only I didn’t and clearly he knew that I just sucked at econ and was looking for a way out).
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When I was 10 years old, I went on a Disney cruise with my Mom and her then fiance and I met a white guy from Rhode Island that was 14 and head dreads. I told him I was 12, and he must have thought that was acceptable, because that was the first time I was pursued by a guy. He ended up pretty much stalking me the entire vacation and for some reason I gave him my address. He would send me LONG letters in which he would talk about his sister’s gang called “BWP, Bitches with power.” {I am currently struck at how difficult it was for young, long-distant love back in the day. I mean, I had to give him my freaking physical address in order to stay in touch-his Mom said he couldn’t make long distance phone calls!}
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In college, I scored a fake ID and would use it to buy keystone light at the local gas station and then my friend and I would cruise around on country roads and drink it. It sounds worse than it was. There was NO ONE on these Iowa back roads except for animals and none of them were injured in these adventures of lame, broke college students. Also my friend has an old man spirit about him so his top speed was probably 35…we are seriously lucky we didn’t get picked up for driving too slowly.
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I was a late bloomer and by 8th grade, I had resorted to stuffing my bras and lying about having started my period. A boy I liked in grade school said I was “cute but I just didn’t have the tits”. Literally, his words. Fast-forward 25 years and I am still waiting for my breasts to develop, but thankfully, I am no longer seeking approval via bra cup size.
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The crime spree continues…habitual and continual lies….you basically shouldn’t trust me.
I lie about my shoe size. I have BIG fucking feet and can’t even shop at DSW, it’s honestly super sad.
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Whenever I go to the doctor because I’m sick, I always lie and say it’s been going on for way longer than it actually has been. Like any good Mom, I do this for my kids at their appointments as well…..hook us up with the meds!!
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I lie to myself a couple nights a week and ascertain that red wine is really good for my health and that I totally deserve it.
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I force my kids to listen to real music like The Stones, Beatles, and Janis Joplin but then lie about what the song is actually about (drugs) or what the lyrics really are (types of drugs).
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I try to lie to myself about how much I actually spend on Amazon each year. We recently started budgeting so now I have to face the cold hard truth. 128 orders in 2018….that’s up quite a bit from my one single order placed in 2005, which happened to be a DVD titled “Crunch: Fat Burning Dance Party”.
What can I say, I’m a sinner, I’m human and now you know the gory details.
mpoweredstate 