Father’s Day 2020

Life. It keeps moving forward. Even when you want it to stay the same, or go back to the way it was. It just keeps moving. It moves on because of straightforward facts such as the Diurnal Cycle of the Earth.

But what happens when all of the sudden the reality you are living looks completely different than 1 minute ago, 1 day ago, or 1 year ago? This new reality is solid, it’s actual, it’s factual but it is difficult to accept. It’s way more difficult than accepting that the Earth spins around the Sun.

That’s life. Today is Father’s Day. It’s the 177th day of 2020. On the 175th day I found my Dad on his kitchen floor. I called an ambulance and he was admitted to the hospital. So this Father’s Day is spent by his stryker bed. 8 months ago I sat beside my dying Mother’s hospital bed. I have moments when I am in such turmoil, deep agonizing pain that rips through my core, sheer visceral resentment that life just keeps progressing in this manner. Being here, in this space is so reminiscent and it’s way too soon.

When the wonderful nurses come in to do their thing I run the hospital steps, just like I did when I was here with my Mom. Movement helps me clear shit out. Plus I don’t want to just stand outside the door and cry all the time. I am my Dad’s person and being here for him in this moment is part of my life’s story, just like I was there for my Mom. My Mom had pancreatic cancer, my Dad, Parkinson’s dementia. It’s not fair, because life isn’t fair.

I am not special, everyone has pain and loss and that’s why I am writing this today because there is someone out there who needs to read this. As our culture is (rightfully) celebrating the special men in their lives, there is another group that are well, not celebrating. There’s also another group who are struggling to celebrate the wonderful men who are still in their lives while grieving those they’ve lost. There are men who didn’t get the opportunity to be Dads, even though they would have been great at it. There are children who are fatherless. There are Mothers who’ve played both parental roles. There are sons and daughters who have lost their Fathers. There are spouses who have lost their partner and are grieving the loss of their children’s father. There are daughters like me who are spending their day inside a freezing hospital room instead of a smoky backyard barbecue. I feel you. You’re not alone. It’s okay to be pissed, envious, and resentful of those seemingly perfect families who have all the men in their lives posing for a full family pic. But I will say that you have a choice. You can choose to focus on that resentment that eventually turns to bitterness, which eventually takes a toll on your own health, which will probably take a toll on your family.

You don’t get to decide all the facts you’re faced with however, much like the axis of the Earth there blessings along the way to help balance things out.

I’ve cried a lot today. I’ve journaled. I’ve prayed. But I also lifted weights with my husband this morning and gave him some pretty great Father’s Day gifts that included a round of golf, beef jerky, scratch-off lotto tickets and a new golf glove. Oh, I also gave 3 beautiful babies 😀

That’s life. So many facts to accept. But there are so many ways you can choose to receive them.

xo

Cara