Because You’re Worth it.

Generally speaking most people can get behind the sentiment that if you want good things to happen, you need to do good.  Not me, I thrive in the perseverating of Irish-Catholic ancestry. Also of Scottish-Norweigen-German stock.  Work, that’s what gets you shit, that’s what makes your measly existence worthwhile.  Also, punishment, abuse, and retribution.  Sleep is for lazy, desperate assholes.  The importance of labor has been pounded into my head and bred into my DNA.  My Mom loved to work.  Looking back, her work was also her escape.  It provided an escape from a couple of bad marriages along with the other usual stuff people like to forget about.  She also liked work because after decades at the same job she was damn good at it.  Being good at something also creates worth.  Having a skill you get paid for creates esteem and an identity.  Americans love to equate careers with identity.  I was one of those Americans.  Working, doing the right thing, more work to prove I was worthy.  I was so prideful in the fact that I worked.  I was such a jerk and looked down upon those who didn’t have a job outside the home.  I felt seriously superior because I was contributing to the labor force.  I was sooooo freaking special.  Circa early 2020 I would say things like, “I could NEVER stay-at-home”…. 

I eat my words each morning as I “serve” Cinnamon Toast Crunch to my homeschooled children, wearing the SAHM uniform-fuzzy slippers, leggings, tank, and a robe to top it off. I was super resistant to staying at home but the pandemic provided me with an “out”, and it was such a blessing. It gave me time to grieve the loss of my parents, heal past traumas, and the space I needed from the people I needed it from. But man, I struggled with the transition on so many levels. At first the mere thought of staying at home with the kids full-time was utterly terrifying. This also gave me an appreciation for caregivers. I seriously thought that if I were to ever stay at home with my kids, they would become kale eating, Earth-saving activists, who would work on mastering their respective talents. Instead they are wild, ill-mannered, dirty kids. The other day, Gus kicked his Great-Grandmother.

Then I struggled with my identity. If my career doesn’t define me, what does?  What is my legacy?  Could it really be as “simple” as being Mom?  Ferociously loving my familial unit with grit and grace?  Could my legacy be sharing deeply personal experiences to help normalize the mundanity of human life? 

Then came anxiety over leaving the house. Well isn’t that a twist. I used to spend very little time at home, now I don’t want to leave. I mean, it’s probably that I don’t want to wash my hair, but still. I’ll just stay here.

I also went through a weird several months in which I couldn’t get used to the person I saw in the mirror. I used to wear makeup, not a ton, but definitely enough to cover the parts I didn’t like. Eventually, after months of not wearing it, I began to approve of the normalish looking woman in her late-late 30’s staring back at me. I am not a model, I am not supposed to be perfect, I am supposed to be me. Who am I again? Then the whole cycle would repeat. I would teeter between blissful happiness and mourning my old fast-paced lifestyle. The old life provided an adrenaline rush, it came with a false sense of purpose, and a major ego boost. My new way of living is simple, humble, and refreshing. Sometimes it seems almost too easy and then I wonder if I am worthy of ease. The other day, I was BORED. That word has never been in my vocabulary. I am thankful to be aware enough to lean into the evolution, yet I still struggle with forgiving myself for past mistakes, judgments, and assumptions.  Mostly though, I struggle with worthiness. 

Besides self-worth issues, I am also riddled with guilt and shame. Not having the distraction of a busy life has allowed me to sit with myself and practice self-compassion. It’s difficult and different to ask yourself, what do you need right now (especially after years of avoiding it)? We should all reach into our intuition urging us to notice what we need. We owe it to ourselves to answer the question. If you don’t know the answer, just checking in with yourself in a new way is honoring your spirit. The answer will present itself if you give yourself the space to allow it. It has taken me way longer than it should have to realize I NEED to be doing the things that fuel me to make a better person for the people that have to live with me, but also because I am worth it. For me, time with friends is always at the top of my list, even more so now that the majority of my time is spent with people who haven’t yet reached double digit ages. I am energized by dancing, doesn’t matter if it’s at a bar or my kitchen. I like to learn, sometimes through podcasts, sometimes crosswords, sometimes through my kid’s curriculum, but generally it’s through failure. Travel, fitness, a new pair of high-wasited Mom jeans or better yet a new pair of joggers are also essential to my well-being.

Women are usually way more loving and compassionate with others than they are themselves. If you’re like me, you may need some sort of intervention via a global pandemic to bring your awareness back to the fact that it’s an honor to love and accept yourself in your natural state in your natural habitat. My natural state is unkempt, inside my home with my people and I’m cool with that.

xo