memoirs of a reformed cynic

As a kid I never took ownership of anything.  It was NEVER my fault, I habitually passed the buck and lied if I did something I was ashamed of.  Children lying…probably not that uncommon, but there are lies that still haunt me to this day.  If something bad happened to me and it wasn’t my fault, you’d better watch the fuck out.  I was pissed, angry, wronged and played the victim like no other.  I would hold grunges long after the other person stopped caring.  In my mind, I never caught a break and basically eeeked through my childhood.  I was a mediocre athlete, an average student, not particularly pretty, didn’t really have any special skills (unless you count pouting and placing blame) and thought life was tough.  I was envious of other people, and thought I couldn’t ever have what they had.  Other people were brighter than me, more confident, had more friends, had more hobbies…

and me…?

My glass wasn’t just less than half full, it didn’t have shit in it.  The world was not my oyster, in fact, I hated oysters and what kind of lame-ass sayings are those anyway?

I spent most of my 20’s sporting a don’t fuck with me face, a bitchy attitude, and completely closed off to human interaction, meanwhile on the inside I was an ooey gooey softy who would cry while driving farm equipment and longed for someone to really “get” me. (yes, my family farms and driving large pieces machinery only added to my bad-ass persona).  I would also try really hard not to smile…it was like a weird game I would play.  If someone were to tell me I would be prettier if I smiled, I would purposely turn on the bitch face.  I did however, love to laugh, weird huh?

Whenever I would encounter a successful person who had a chip on their shoulder I would feel totally validated.  I mean, have you heard the song “Everything” by Alanis Morissette?  That pretty much sums up how I played the game of life.  (if you aren’t a 90’s chick like me and haven’t heard that song-go play it, it’s still EVERYTHING).  A lot of famous people, creatives and successful individuals tend to be angsty, so I thought I was in pretty good company.

and me now….?

Ownership, accountability, apologies, acceptance, sharing, and forgiveness are basically the secret sauces of life and I was missing out on all of the drippings.  I am slowly unfolding and getting honest with myself and others and I am starting to own the fact that I am desiring more meaningful friendships and working on forgiving myself for when I was a less than stellar friend in the past.  I can think of a couple mean-girl moments from high school and college and I am sorry for them.  When I think back to those times, and try to work through what I was thinking/why I did what I did, I think I was just trying to fit in.

I’m defensive, don’t handle criticism very well (ok, at all) and feel that I am right…almost all the time.  I guess it’s the balance of pride and autonomy that I am currently struggling with…meanwhile, ALL OF THIS is thrown in my face on a regular basis because I have daughter who is exactly like me.  She is all the things and I couldn’t have dreamt her better myself.  She’s fun to be with, she’s an includer, she’s empathetic, she’s sensitive, always roots for the underdog, she’s confident, she’s determined, she’s walks a blurry line of sweet and salty but homey don’t playyyyyyy.  My middle son is terrified of the wrath of his seven year old sister.  And I am terrified of what that looks like as a teenager but then again, maybe not, after all I wrote that play book, gf.