Feelings about feelings.

How would you feel if you could feel anything? It’s a weird question. We live in a world where we are constantly asked “how are you?”, yet hardly anyone answers that honestly. We filter our pictures, carefully select our words and sensor our thoughts. We gloss over the most commonly asked question and blindy answer “fine”.

Close your eyes. Wait no, open them because then you can’t read this. So first read this, then sit quietly. Quiet everything, it’s not easy. I have to be really intentional about creating calm, it takes me a while to stop all the noise in my head. I am constantly making to-do lists in my head, criticizing myself for things left undone, chatter about mistakes I made as a Mom, wife, daughter, human. Why did I order those kids jumbo squishy balls from a Facebook ad? Why do I continue to overconsume, when I should be cutting back on EVERYTHING. I look disgustedly at the fingerprints and dust on a nearby mirror, CLOSE YOUR EYES. I’m mad about the wrinkles on my face and the grays in my hair. I think about what I should be doing rather than focusing on the present much needed moment of silence. FASCIA BLASTING!!! I totally forgot about fascia blasting. Is Glenn ever going to do the things on “his list”? I indulge in the drama of negative thoughts, I wonder if I drank enough water, I recommit to wellness goals (only to let them go the next day), I hear kids in the background and wonder what they are doing. I am distracted by the dog pacing, wind blowing, birds singing, music blaring from an upstairs bedroom. Finally, I start to turn the distractions into gratitudes and that helps me relax as I prepare to THINK in a deep, tuned in state. Breath into it. Breath.

Now, think about how you WANT to feel. I’ve worked through Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map book in the past in order to identify core desired feelings. I’ve co-hosted workshops on this very topic, yet sometimes I still catch myself faking my deep inner feelings. I fake them because I’ve been conditioned to feel responsible. I am workhorse who gets “it” done. Whatever “it” is. I am capable, resilient, independent and resourceful. I’ve been called gritty. I’m Girl Friday to anyone who needs me. I was referred to as “pragmatic” repeatedly when managing all the details surrounding my Mom’s passing. I like being everything to everyone and being a person whom others can count on. There is a certain sense of pride that I thrive on when I accomplish tasks, no matter how menial. I’ve always measured success in DOING. “EVERYONE GO AHEAD AND TAKE A LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS I CAN DO IN A SINGLE DAY!”

However, saying yes over and over also weighs me down. I am no longer shiny, I am more steely…as in ice cold. Untouchable, unlovable, and unfamiliar to those whom I care for the most. I find myself feeling clenched, and scared of failure as I hide behind the cloak of my to-do list. Basically, I am unkind in the name of getting shit done and if it gets done, I am still not that nice. Who is the winner here? The list, no, not even because it’s never, ever done!

Great self-awareness, Cara but what are you going to do about it? I want to feel ENERGIZED & CONNECTED. So if someone were to ask me how I was, what would it take for me to actually honestly answer that “I feel connected and energized “? People would think I was crazy but I am going to try it out, because someone has to go first and switch up all the “fines”. Anyway, I’d like for my feels of being connected and energized to lead me to do something because I truly want to do it, not because I should. Obviously there has to be some sort of balance there because being a working Mom, wife and daughter to someone who is ill comes with a lot of responsibility. However once I back my way into what energizes and connects me, it will allow me to move through life’s tasks with a sense of ease and even joy. The combo of energy and connectivity is the ultimate for me and they usually show up together.

So I made a list, again it would be easy to fake my list and say things like “meditation, yoga” blah blah. I don’t particularly care for either of those things, though I do like moving my body & quiet time…so maybe I just don’t like labels.

The list: music (let me just take a minute and thank Alexa for streaming amazing playlists right into my home. I love vacillating between The Beatles Radio + 90’s Hip Hop and everything in between). I am the type of person who can match a mood to a tune and I always relate a song to a moment in time. Usually a time in which my 1992 chevy blazer is involved😂 Most of the time there is dancing, sometimes there are car windows rolled down and music on max vol (so I guess being a badass Mom also energizes me). Writing energizes me. Writing in an exposed, vulnerable manner fills my need to connect on a deep level with other humans. Writing is my way to tap into the creative side of my brain, which in turn creates a sense unbound joy. Nature energizes and grounds me simultaneously. It reminds me how small we are, it reminds me of how delicately connected our world is. When I am outside, especially in a wooded area with filtered sun, literally everything seems right. I breath deeply and take it all in. I admire God’s handiwork. I examine small, seemingly insignificant plants, bugs and rocks. I see cardinals high up in the trees and talk to them, because, clearly they are my Mom. I feel most like myself, truly authentic, like I belong. Waking up early energizes me but it also really irritates me. Have you heard the term “Run your day”? I try, but still let the day run me more often than I’d like to admit. I def feel more energized when I wake up before the sun and before the kids start fighting with each other. Chilling with friends, family & like minded people also fills a core need that creates a happy energetic state that usually sticks around for a while. Golfing & traveling…no further explanation needed!

So my dears, it’s your turn? What do you want to feel? When you get quiet and ask yourself, you’ll know the answer.